My head feels like shit from pretending to lead a healthy lifestyle while eating “unprepped meals” twice a day and not thrice a day on account of skipping the first of the three meals entirely to pretend I’m on IF, or else cuz I drink four raw eggs and pretend it’s not a meal—an “unprepped meal,” by the way, being a category in my budgeting app that’s just a catch-all for any time I eat something that doesn’t come out of a grocery store—but the insane thing people don’t realize about raw eggs is that cholesterol helps your brain function good while extremely low levels of cholesterol leads to increases in accidents and “suicides” that are actually also just accidents, and that high cholesterol in your bloodstream is only bad if you oxidize your bloodstream such as by smoking, eating refined sugars, and a couple other things I do way more often than I should, so basically, you being an LDL-cholosterolcel who smokes and eats refined sugars might actually be less at risk of adverse health conditions than an eggpilled, rawgarlic-flavored-magatama consuming demi-fiend like myself whose cholesterol boats are being firebombed inside my bloodstream at least three times a week from my relapses into sloppy ciggy fellatio and convenience store brand HFCS-infused bread bun and 100% soybean-oil-fried-beef consumption. This might not be true, but I can pretend it’s true if it helps me feel bad for bad choices. There are false things that are OK to believe if the ends justify the memes, such as switching from the sugar-free boomer juice to the sugar-filled ones due to Hideo Kojima or scouring the supermarket for Rum Raisin ice cream or believing in graphene. Lately I’m so old that staying up until 4am on Saturday means I won’t start being myself again until Thursday. When you’re 30 and a half, you basically have to remove every single thing from your life that doesn’t give you a positive stat boost, because everything else will give you a passive debuff that actively works toward killing you. No young person gives a fuck about your old people problems and making any kind of joke about them is the most mundanest of the lowest hanging fruitses and as old as time itself.