I don’t like writing about poop. It’s freaking disgusting. Anyone who likes that kind of toilet humor has no business typing at a keyboard. But I have to take such a big dump right now that it’s beginning to weigh on my thought process. Like, I’m not saying this to be gross, but I have to take a fatty dump. I need to just pinch a loaf right now. A big pumper nickle loaf with oats in it. I eat a bowl of eats every morning with iodized salt sprinkled on top because I have a woman’s disease that prevents me from creating certain hormones. I don’t mean that to be sexist, and I don’t mean to be gross by talking about poop. It’s kind of like talking about racial slurs. You’re allowed to quote them but you can’t say them. That’s what I’m doing, but with poop, and saying that thyroid dysfunction is a disease that only women primarily get. But anyways, there’s a certain thing that happens in your mind when you need to poop, and it makes thinking really hard. Last night I was up at 4 am, getting all warm and snuggly and ready to bed, and my roommate went into the bathroom to start shitting. My room is right next to the bathroom; there are actually two doors in my 150 sq/ft room, and the door that I don’t use is directly connected to the bathroom. There is a huge crack under the door so that alien fingers or poop particles could squeeze through and try to kill me. Also, every single exhalation and pleasurable grunt can be heard through that door. For all I know, they can hear all of my pleasurable grunts, too. I wouldn’t do anything like that though, that’s disgusting. And let me remind you that I’m not typing here today to talk about disgusting stuff like that. I’m just writing my daily quota so that I can gank some noobs in Dark Souls 3.

I am working on this one story though. It’s more like several short stories that are loosely connected. Trying to go for this idea that every story is a spiritual successor to the next (“spiritual successor” is a developer term for “not a sequel but recycles a lot of the same ideas so you’ll be interested if you liked the first one”), and there’s really no overarching plot that I’ve thought out. But everything I do think out, I’m gonna reveal only like 40% of that in the story. That’s how you provide depth, I think. Or you can talk about real issues in the world and not be an inward, naval-gazing otaku, but I don’t have much going for me in the former realm since I sit in my room all day and listen to my roommates take a shit.

 


 

You know, there was a guy the other day whose e-cig blew up in his face. His vape box, if you will. And I guess what happened is that it’s actually the battery that blows up, right, and the battery–being a cylinder inside a tight, cylindrical tube–erupts like a fucking missile from a silo. So, one, the cap that holds the battery inside has to blow up. Or, the whole casing around the battery explodes. So that’s a lot of metal shrapnel entering your face. Somehow this can also lead to blowing out 7 of your teeth. You imagine all this now while you vape your own e-cig that you bought at a discount from the internet, and you wonder if every time you hold the vape button that you’re just accelerating the countdown toward an explosion. Most of the time, you’re gonna get lucky. You’re gonna let go of the button and exhale a huge cloud of smoke without being bakuhatsu’d. You could also imagine that you were only a couple seconds away from overheating that battery, but I don’t really think that’s the case. I think the vape guy cranked his e-cig up to a too-high wattage, let ‘er rip while he was taking a shit (the accident happened in his bathroom–not just being gross again), and before he knew it, he was calling 911 and the paramedics were on their way to pick out the pieces of his teeth from the bathtub and sink. Personally though I like lime flavored vape juice.